Has it really been almost a year? Well, then this is my favorite year. What I wouldn’t give to hold onto it and never let it go. I want to stuff it into my pockets so that I could pull it out anytime I want. I would unfold it and smell as much newborn baby scent as I can get, squeeze her squishy baby body and let her melt into mine every night. This crazy part of me wishes I could relive every all-nighter- I would rock, and sing, and rock some more…dance in the dark at midnight just to get her back to sleep. I would cuddle with her every chance I had. I would give my body, my heart, my soul, my sweat, and my tears to make sure she is happy and thriving. I would do it over and over again in a heartbeat, if it meant she didn’t have to grow up.
She is on the fast track now and learning new things everyday- sometimes so fast that I feel like I have missed something. Well, I have missed things…and its heartbreaking. So many new teeth, new expressions, new sounds, new knowledge about the world. She’s crawling, and walking, and now running, climbing, and dancing, but its all at once- I can hardly keep up! As she gains more and more independence from me, I realize just how dependent on her I have become. “Oh baby, why can’t we just drift back into the lazy days of last summer when our time consisted of long naps on the couch together, novels and nursing?” Aside from by wallowing about the culmination of her first year and her budding toddlerhood, I look at her, and how big she is, and I am excited in a way I have never known before. My heart has swollen from the love and pride and excitement I feel for this tiny person. I know every parent has watched their babies grow into toddlers, and grow into teenagers, and then maybe become parents themselves. I know they feel the joy, and love, and heartbreak of raising a child. It makes me wonder though- are we all the same? Do we sometimes find ourselves in a crazed state of attachment, afraid to move forward for fear of losing them (or ourselves) along the way? Regardless of what that answer may be, I think I am helpless. I think I will still find myself holding on tight, talking about her to my friends until their ears fall off and hoping that maybe, just maybe I will have a little piece of her with me when the house is quiet, and the chores are done, and I am well-rested, and she is all grown up.